What to Say Instead of “It’s OK”: Honoring Your Feelings as a People Pleaser

Introduction

As people pleasers, we’ve been conditioned to put others’ feelings first, even when we’ve been hurt. When someone says, “I’m sorry,” our automatic response is often, “It’s OK.” But the truth is, it might not be OK, and that’s worth acknowledging. In this post, we’ll explore why saying “It’s OK” can lead to resentment and share some alternatives that allow you to honor your feelings while still being kind and authentic.

The People Pleaser Dilemma: Why We Say “It’s OK”

People pleasers often feel responsible for making others feel better, even after we’ve been hurt. We might feel bad for making someone else uncomfortable or worry that not immediately accepting their apology will lead to conflict. Many of us struggle with confrontation, having learned that confrontation means conflict. But here’s the thing: confrontation in healthy relationships doesn’t have to be scary. It’s about expressing how we feel and working together to prevent hurt from happening again.

The Impact of Saying “It’s OK”

When we brush things off with “It’s OK,” we deny ourselves the chance to express our true feelings. Over time, this can lead to built-up frustration or resentment, which affects our relationships and our well-being. It’s important that we self-attend rather than self-abandon—something people pleasers often struggle with, especially if anxiety or childhood trauma is involved.

Alternatives to “It’s OK”

So, what can you say instead of “It’s OK” when someone apologizes? Here are some ideas that allow you to express yourself more honestly while maintaining kindness:

1. “I appreciate you acknowledging how that affected me. I don’t want to say it’s OK, but I do appreciate the apology.”
   This acknowledges the apology without dismissing your feelings. Yes, it might make you feel anxious because, as people pleasers, we tend to predict negative outcomes—we assume the other person will be upset. But remember, it’s OK to hold space for your own emotions; your own mind and your body is all you can really be responsible for.

2. “It’s important to me that we figure out how to avoid this happening again.”
   This shows you care about the relationship. You wouldn’t be suggesting a solution if the relationship didn’t matter to you. It’s a way of setting boundaries while demonstrating care for the other person and the relationship.

3. “Unfortunately, I’m not ready to accept an apology yet. I’d appreciate some space.”
   This can be difficult to say, especially if you grew up in an environment where you weren’t allowed to express your emotions or ask for space. But taking time to process how you feel is crucial. This phrase allows you to maintain boundaries and shows the other person that your emotions are valid.

4. “A part of me really wants to think through all the scenarios of how this plays out for us in the future and second guess this apology. A part of me wants to release control, stay present, and accept where we’re at. I hope you can understand that I’m feeling conflicted.”
   This is a great option for deep, intimate relationships. By speaking for the parts of yourself, you acknowledge the inner conflict without pressuring yourself to offer a resolution for the other person’s comfort. It keeps the conversation honest and grounded.

5. “Yeah, I didn’t like that you did that.”
   Bold, right? People pleasers weren’t often taught to speak this directly. But with practice, being bold becomes empowering. It’s a statement of confidence and honesty, allowing you to express your feelings without sugarcoating.

6. “It’s hard to know what to say right now. I’d like to give myself time to process this before I respond to the apology.”
   This option honors both you and the other person. By giving yourself time, you avoid rushing into a response that doesn’t align with how you truly feel.

Managing the Anxiety That Comes with Saying No to “It’s OK”
For many of us, these alternatives to “It’s OK” can trigger anxiety. We’re used to trying to predict what others will think or feel, often imagining the worst-case scenario. But setting emotional boundaries is key to breaking this pattern.

Here are two tips to help you manage the anxiety that might come up:

• Emotional Boundaries: Develop boundaries that allow you to separate your emotions from others. This helps you stay grounded in your own experience rather than absorbing someone else’s discomfort.

• Grounding and Mindfulness Practices: When tension or discomfort rises, practice grounding techniques like deep breathing or mindful body scanning to regain control over your body’s response. This can help you manage the discomfort of not immediately resolving someone else’s emotions.

Building a Secure Relationship with Yourself
For many people pleasers, the fear of not saying “It’s OK” is rooted in anxiety from childhood—times when we weren’t allowed to have boundaries with caregivers. As adults, it’s important to build a more secure relationship with ourselves so that our self-worth doesn’t depend on others’ approval. This takes time, but as you work on strengthening your sense of self, you’ll find it easier to stay true to your feelings—even when it’s hard.

Conclusion
Next time someone apologizes, challenge yourself to pause before automatically saying “It’s OK.” Come into the body, soften the tension, relax your jaw; consider these alternatives and how they might feel for you. Remember, honoring your feelings is just as important as caring for others, and setting boundaries is a way to care for both.

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