The Root of Fixing, Approval-Seeking, and Control: Why You Feel This Way and How to Begin Healing
Does it feel like your brain is always in overdrive, scanning for the next thing to fix, the next way to make someone happy, or the next situation to control? If you’re a people-pleaser or overachiever, this might feel like your default setting. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
Here’s the thing: this pattern didn’t come out of nowhere. At the core of your urge to “fix,” seek approval, or control situations are likely deeply ingrained emotional wounds and protective patterns rooted in your early experiences. And while these patterns were brilliant survival strategies at the time, they might now be keeping you stuck in a cycle that prevents deeper connection—with yourself and others.
Let’s dig deeper into what’s really going on here and how you can start to untangle these patterns with compassion.
1. Unmet Emotional Needs in Childhood
Growing up, were your emotional needs for safety, love, or validation consistently met? If not, you may have learned to tie your worth to being “good enough” for someone else.
When love or belonging felt conditional—based on how well you behaved, performed, or avoided conflict—you might have developed the belief that your value lies in making others happy. This might look like:
Overanalyzing others’ emotions to anticipate their needs.
Sacrificing your own desires or boundaries to “keep the peace.”
Equating approval or validation with love and safety.
It’s not your fault. You did what you needed to survive. But this pattern might now leave you feeling drained, resentful, or like you’ve lost sight of who you really are.
2. Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
Ever feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid to let anyone down? This might stem from a fear of rejection or abandonment.
For many, this pattern starts in environments where love or attention was inconsistent or conditional. The unspoken rule you absorbed might sound something like: “If I can fix everything, make others happy, or keep the peace, they’ll stay.”
While this coping mechanism might have protected you as a child, as an adult, it can manifest as:
Feeling hyper-responsible for others’ happiness.
Avoiding confrontation or people-pleasing to maintain connection.
A deep fear that saying “no” will result in rejection.
3. Hypervigilance from Early Chaos
Did you grow up in a chaotic or unpredictable environment? If so, trying to “fix” or control situations might feel like your way of ensuring safety.
When the adults in your life didn’t create a sense of stability, you likely became hyper-attuned to potential threats, scanning for ways to manage emotions or solve problems before things could escalate. This pattern might show up now as:
Constant overthinking and needing to “stay ahead” of problems.
Difficulty relaxing because your brain is always anticipating “what’s next.”
A deep-seated belief that if you’re not in control, something bad will happen.
4. Perfectionism as a Coping Mechanism
“Everything will be fine if I can just get it right.” Sound familiar? Perfectionism often develops as a shield against criticism or failure, offering an illusion of control over how others perceive you and how life unfolds.
But perfectionism doesn’t deliver the safety it promises. Instead, it leaves you:
Exhausted by the pressure to do everything flawlessly.
Anxious about falling short or being judged.
Detached from your own needs because you’re so focused on external validation.
5. Core Beliefs of ‘Not Enough’
At the root of these behaviors are often core beliefs like:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I have to prove my worth.”
“If I don’t do this, everything will fall apart.”
These beliefs are like invisible scripts running in the background, driving your need to fix, manage, or seek approval. And because they’re so deeply embedded, they can feel like the truth. But they’re not.
6. Stored Trauma Responses in the Body
Let’s get real: these patterns aren’t just in your mind—they’re stored in your body as survival responses.
Fight: Fixing or controlling to “fight” for emotional safety.
Fawn: People-pleasing and approval-seeking to avoid conflict or rejection.
Over time, your body has learned to live in a state of hyper-awareness, treating everyday challenges like survival threats. This isn’t a weakness; it’s a sign that your body is still carrying the weight of past experiences.
7. Lack of Trust in Yourself or Others
When you don’t trust others to show up for you—or trust yourself to handle life’s uncertainty—controlling everything around you can feel like the only way to stay safe.
But here’s the truth: the need to control is often a shield against the discomfort of vulnerability. And while letting go of control can feel terrifying, it’s also the key to experiencing genuine connection and inner peace.
So, What Now? Moving Forward with Curiosity and Compassion
Breaking these patterns doesn’t happen overnight. But it is possible when you approach yourself with curiosity and compassion. Here are some first steps to consider:
Self-Reflection: Start noticing when you feel the urge to fix, seek approval, or control. Pause and ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What am I afraid might happen if I don’t step in?
Is this truly my responsibility?
Somatic Work: Tune into your body. Where do you feel tension, urgency, or discomfort? Explore grounding techniques like deep breathing, body scans, or movement to release stored stress.
Challenge Core Beliefs: Work with a therapist to uncover and reframe the beliefs driving your behaviors. For example, shifting from “I’m not enough” to “I am worthy, even if I don’t fix everything.”
Build Self-Trust: Practice small acts of letting go. For example, delegating a task, saying “no” to something that doesn’t serve you, or letting a situation unfold without intervening. Notice how it feels to trust yourself to handle what comes next.
Final Thoughts
You didn’t choose these patterns—they chose you as a way to survive in a world that felt unsafe. But you can choose to begin healing.
Healing doesn’t mean you’ll stop caring about others or striving for growth. It means you’ll finally start caring for yourself with the same energy you’ve poured into everyone else.
You are more than your ability to fix, control, or please. You are worthy just as you are. And the journey back to yourself? That starts right here, with compassion, curiosity, and the courage to let go.
Let’s explore this together. If this resonates with you, reach out for support. You don’t have to do it alone. 💛 Book your free therapy intro call (California clients only) by visiting this link: https://therapywithgaby.clientsecure.me/request/service