The Anxiety Backlash of Deep Breathing—Why Connection Over Correction Matters (from an IFS Perspective)

1. Introduction: The Unexpected Anxiety of Deep Breathing

So we’ve all heard it before… “just take a deep breath.” Right? In some form or another, we’ve learned that if we aren’t taking deep breaths, then we’re not “doing it right.” I can’t say that deep breathing hasn’t ever helped my anxiety… it has. But not always, and honestly, not most of the time. I’ve actually had deep breathing BACKFIRE AF; leading me to feel like there were holes in my lungs and that breath was escaping me before I could take a full inhale. I ended up in urgent care due to my anxious obsessive thoughts about the breath. I’ve experiencing increasing chest tightness that even led to panic attacks. I’ve also found myself unable to take that deep breath at all (literally feeling like it got stuck), which caused me to feel like I was LEGIT dying (this is really just another example of a panic attack). This. Shit. Sucks. And when deep breathing is suggested as a first line of action… I get kind of annoyed. Because I get it.

So I’m a therapist and I remember hearing as a teenager or as a young adult that “the more you know, the more you know the less you know” and that really struck me and feels continually relevant today. I’m learning more every year, every month in fact, about therapeutic modalities so that I can more deeply benefit the individuals I work with. Here’s where I’m at in my therapeutic education journey; studying Internal Family Systems and OMG it’s been eye opening as hell.

Here’s a little explanation on what Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy is; it takes into consideration the idea that we’re all born with different “parts” of ourselves. We’re not just “parts” of ourselves though; we are also SELF, itself. I love referring to SELF as your “true essence.” You can call it whatever you like though; inner light, self energy, core self, essence, whatevs.

Now, as we experience stress and trauma over the lifespan, our parts learn to step into specific roles in order to maintain physical, emotional, and spiritual safety. For example, if I learn in childhood that I’m going to be judged for being stupid, then a part of me is going to learn to bite my tongue and not speak up, even if I want to; this part of me becomes avoidant and insecure. It does this because it wants to protect me from judgment.

Another example is that perhaps in my childhood or teen years, I learn that my body is unlikable and that I’d be better liked if I were skinny. A part of me might step into the role of restrictive eating and over-exercising. This part is trying to access connection and relationships; but it tries to access these things by stepping into an extreme role (unconsciously).

IFS helps us to start identifying these parts; our “internal family.” And as we identify them, become curious about them, listen, connect, and support (through embodiment of that Self Energy or Essence), we can start unburdening those parts; in unburdening, in teaching new lessons, in shifting relational dynamics between parts… we can help liberate parts from the extreme roles they stepped into.

We can unwind our old adaptive patterns and we can lay out new ones.

Of course, changing the relationships between parts and between parts and Self is a complex process that’s not only a science, but an art. And sometimes deep breathing is not scientifically or artistically relevant to someone experiencing anxiety or panic.

2. Why Deep Breathing Can Lead to Anxiety Backlash

Breathing is such a beautiful process that naturally creates nervous system regulation. The inhale activates the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) and the exhale activates the para-sympathetic nervous system (rest and digest). Right off the bat… are you catching the problematic nature of deep breathing when anxious or panicked? If you’re already in fight or flight mode, deep breathing FURTHER activates the sympathetic nervous system… triggering continued fight or flight responses in the body. GAH! This is why I actually recommend “full exhales” instead of “deep inahles” for a person that’s actively anxious. Exhale on purpose and then let inhales naturally drop into the body at their own pace. No forcing, no pushing yourself to “inhale correctly.”

We talked already about parts stepping into roles. It’s the same for anxiety; anxiety is the role a part of you plays. This part stepped into the role of anxiety for GOOD REASON and it’s not going to back down easily. This part of you isn’t going to respond well to correctional methods, like forced deep breathing. This part of you is going to resist being “calmed down” because it HAS A JOB TO DO; and deep breathing isn’t going to convince the anxious part that it doesn’t need to be anxious anymore.

Deep breathing doesn’t unburden or liberate anxiety from it’s role. If anything, it causes it to feel more disconnected, distrusted, and disliked… so it’ll fight harder to prove it’s importance. Anxiety doesn’t need to be corrected… it needs to be connected.

3. The Importance of Connection Over Correction

Let’s say we actually stopped trying to correct anxiety and instead focused on connecting with it. What would that even mean? Well, it’s fair to probably guess that you don’t like that you’re anxious. Right now, one of the greatest challenges is not the anxiety itself, but your relationship to the anxiety. If there’s judgment of it, connecting is going to be hard. Mindfulness can help us learn how to observe, notice, detach, and remain neutral as we simply acknowledge the presence of something (in this case, anxiety). Not only can we begin to acknowledge, but we might also (in the right time and with the right professional support) begin to appreciate anxiety for the way it tries to protect.

Now we can start making space for the other emotions that arise around the anxious part. What’s anxiety trying to protect you from? Rejection? Sadness? Guilt? Whatever other feelings anxiety might be trying to protect you from… can actually start to come forward.

Because what if Anxiety didn’t have to protect those other parts of you anymore? What if your Essence could do that in a different, calmer, more confident, more connected way?

What we’re talking about is creating space over imposing a fix. There’s so much power in allowing those emotions to be felt… because we do have to feel it to heal it. As we offer ourselves connection, we also turn off that anxiety alarm in the survival brain; allowing the nervous system to regulate again.

5. Somatic and Mindful Ways to Create Space for Feeling

How do we know if we’re connected to Self Energy? IFS identifies 8 C’s of the Self; compassion, clarity, confidence, connection, comfort, curiosity, courage, creativity. One of my favorite ways to start helping clients begin shifting their relationship to parts of themselves as well as shifting dynamics between parts is to begin embodying Self Energy.

There are so many ways to do this, and rather than instructing my clients on what to do, I invite them to come up with ideas around how they might further embody or experience their own Self Energy; right away, this sparks creativity (naturally paving the path). I like to engage in fun activities too, like intuitive movement or dance, to support connection with or embodiment of confidence, courage and compassion. I also love utilizing visualizations with clients… again, client led (I don’t provide the imagery, but I invite clients to begin tapping into their own imagery).

I’ve seen some incredible stuff happen in sessions and I literally COULD NOT be more honored to have a peak inside the inner worlds my clients create to hold space for their parts and to re-organize the structure of their internal family. This work is so incredible.

6. Conclusion: Embracing Connection as the Path to Healing Anxiety

So, going back to those deep breaths for anxiety… I think we can agree that HEALING anxiety is a lot deeper than taking a deep breath. Deep breaths can feel corrective, not connective; and when anxiety feels corrected, anxiety feels threatened and anxiety will probably back lash. It’s not YOU, it’s your parts and it’s the roles they’ve stepped into so that you remain protected.

Interested in learning more about how to process emotion mindfully and somatically? Grab my free comprehensive emotional processing guide HERE.

Interested in working with me as a therapist? If you’re a California resident, feel free to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call here!

Be patient with yourself, be patient with your parts, observe don’t absorb, connect don’t correct, and share this blog post with another anxious person you think it might help!

Love,

Gaby.